Did you ever have a year, or month, or any length of time where you needed to explore possibilities? For some reason or another you found yourself stuck, not sure where or why but just not where you thought you should be? I guess I felt that way at the start of 2009.

I had recently parted ways at a job I felt I really should be working at. It was a responsible, grown-up move to make: consistent income, a young and talented group of people, the ‘right’ place for me. But somehow I knew it wasn’t. In fact, I think my boss knew it wasn’t. There just wasn’t any way I was going to be able to simply ‘hang on’ or ’stick it out’ or ‘wait, and things will get better’. When it came right down to it, I felt I was missing out on life – or more importantly – my life.

Yes, I’m waxing poetic here. But this is really where I was. 27 years old, I was trying to get away from running a business which I started with youthful exuberance at the age of 21. It wasn’t doing so well financially. My passion had really gone out the window. So I turned off the phones and went to work for the aforementioned employer.

6 months – that’s how long I lasted punching the clock for someone else. The night I decided to leave the job I sat down at my computer to write my letter of resignation. Man, I suck at those. It’s one thing to quit, but a whole other thing to do it gracefully without disrespecting yourself or the opposing party. Either way, I did it. They read it. And I was abruptly discharged.

It felt good at first. “Back to the freedom of being my own boss!” That lasted about 7 days. Soon I was faced with the reality of my situation. The laundry list of reasons I had for abandoning my business came back and smacked me in the face. “I shall overcome! I will conquer all of my fears and be a new me!” I was convinced.

When I haven’t worked out for 3 months and I go hop on the treadmill, I’ve always got “Rocky” music playing in my head. I hit the .4 mile marker and I have visions of those little red numbers climbing into the 2o’s and 3o’s, then at .8 I’m sucking wind and sweating profusely. About that time I realize I’m actually fat and out-of-shape. Sortof how I felt when I went back out on my own.

In a year’s time I tried a lot of different things. Conferences, groups, associations, competitions, more groups, getting connected to various people online. I turned 28 in October. I felt the shadow of 3o looming over me. December rolled around and I didn’t feel much different. The books and gurus and everybody tell you to go out and experience life. Probably good advice. But the thing they forget to tell you is that when you try something new, nobody’s going to be standing at the finish line waiting to reveal behind some magical curtain what you’ve supposed to have learned from such an experience. There’s no Wizard of Oz.

We each have a course in life, and some of us sprint ahead, then realize we’re lost. Others plod along thoughtfully, just to someday realize they’re far behind where they should be. People like me, I think, feel compelled to run the course that everyone else is running before we realize we can’t choose someone else’s course in life – we’ve got to find our own.

Each time I write a post, for example, I start in one place thinking I’m heading somewhere specific. But as I go, I’m taken down some path I didn’t know existed. When I reach the end I hope that it was a trip worth taking, because I can’t go back and start again.

Maybe that’s why I’m glad 2009 is over. I took a lot of forks in the road and sometimes I ended up back where I started. But hopefully this time, I’ll be smarter.

Happy 2010 everybody.